Pushing through the darkness of male grief

When I started this, I promised myself I would be open and honest. My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years ago. We received the call one night at 2 a.m. that she had passed, and was asked to come to her apartment. To this day, I don’t know why I didn’t think this through. When my wife Gloria and I walked into the apartment, there was my mom passed away on a hospital bed. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that was the way it would be, but I didn’t.

Grief Diaries menDuring my mom’s funeral home setting, I don’t recall seeing her in the casket. All I remember is seeing her as I entered her apartment. I talked to Gloria about it and said, “Please, I never want to be put in that situation again.” Unfortunately, that’s exactly how I found my wife Gloria—passed away in our bed. I cannot get that out of my head. The person I loved more than anything passed away. This sticks with me to this day.

One night when I was drinking by myself at home, I opened a bottle of liquor to go along with my beer. After finishing the bottle, I went in to our bedroom, sat on the bed, and thought about how I would never get that sight out of my head, and tried to think how I could. I came to the decision that the only way to get it out of my head was to commit suicide.

I grabbed the gun and the bullets, and then loaded the gun. I decided I didn’t have to write a note, because I would be found on the bed where my wife died and it would be self-explanatory. I thought all my kids are big enough, they all have kids, and they don’t need me anymore. Then I thought of who would find me. The one person who checks on me is my stepdaughter Alecia, and she has a key. So Alecia and Heather would be the ones who find me.

I realize that drunks aren’t smart but I was thinking, Chuck, you can’t handle finding Gloria passed away, and here you’re going to run from your problem and pass it on to the two girls.

Needless to say, I don’t really drink anymore. Alecia asked me to get the gun out of the house, and I did. I will just deal with this the best I can.

Written by Chuck Andreas. Chuck’s wife Gloria died unexpectedly from heart disease in 2014. Read his full story in Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of Men.

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One thought on “Pushing through the darkness of male grief

  1. This brought tears to my eyes for several reasons. I know the writer and didn’t realize how dark his thoughts had gotten, I retired a year before his wife passed. It brought back memories of when my wife crossed over in January of 2016. ***sigh*** hard to type through tears. To be jolted awake at 2:45 AM by a call from the long term acute care facility where my wife had been for several weeks to be asked if I want to see her body before it was released to the funeral home. I should have realized her time was close when she was seeing ghosts of her siblings that had passed before her the afternoon before she passed. She had fought through multiple myeloma for over nine years as well as having heart problems and diabetes. I couldn’t even touch her without wearing gloves because she had contracted MRSA. She got one of her last wishes, to get to Florida for the winter to spend time with friends there and that is where she passed.

    Several months later I had a friend pass away after fight the after effects of Agent Orange for several years. At the viewing his wife commented to me, “I had no idea what you were going through until now that I am going through the same thing”. We all grieve differently but yet some aspects of grieving are similar.

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